How to Avoid Being a Toxic Friend: 5 Research-Backed Strategies
Friendships, like all relationships, require care, self-awareness, and effort to thrive. Yet, even with the best intentions, we may unknowingly hurt those closest to us. Casual lapses in thoughtfulness—what psychologists call “ambivalent behaviors”—can strain connections, often causing more harm than outright hostility.
Fortunately, there are actionable steps you can take to ensure you’re the kind of friend you aspire to be. Based on cutting-edge research, here are five strategies to strengthen your friendships and avoid toxic pitfalls.
1. Be Consistent
Unpredictable behavior can erode trust and leave your friends feeling insecure. A study by Archy de Berker at UCL’s Institute of Neurology found that uncertainty about pain triggered higher anxiety levels than knowing pain was inevitable. Similarly, erratic friendships—where kindness is inconsistent—can leave loved ones stressed and unsettled.
In a survey of “ambivalent connections,” people who were both helpful and upsetting to their friends scored higher on stress indicators like blood pressure.
How to Apply It:
- Commit to being a reliable presence in your friends’ lives.
- Manage your emotions to avoid reacting harshly in difficult moments.
2. Avoid the Illusion of Transparency
We often overestimate how well our emotions are perceived by others—a cognitive bias known as the “illusion of transparency.” You might assume your appreciation for a friend is evident, but without verbal affirmation, they may feel overlooked.
Research by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley demonstrated this when participants underestimated how much recipients valued heartfelt letters of gratitude. People consistently overestimate how obvious their feelings are, leading to missed opportunities for connection.
How to Apply It:
- Take time to express gratitude and admiration explicitly.
- Use words, not just gestures, to show your appreciation.
3. Validate Feelings While Encouraging Perspective
When friends open up about hardships, offering empathy validates their feelings and eases their stress. However, simply listening without helping them reframe the problem may lead to rumination, amplifying their distress.
Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan suggests incorporating questions that encourage broader perspectives, such as:
- Why was this event stressful to you?
- Have you learned anything from this experience?
- In the grand scheme, does the “big picture” change how you view it?
These gentle prompts can lead to closure and empowerment rather than reinforcing negativity.
How to Apply It:
- Show understanding while tactfully helping your friend reframe the situation.
- Avoid being overly dismissive or indulgent of their worries.
4. Celebrate Successes (and Practice Confelicity)
While compassion (shared pain) is celebrated, the concept of “confelicity” (shared happiness) is equally vital. Responding constructively to a friend’s success strengthens bonds. Yet many people respond passively or even dismissively, missing opportunities to deepen the connection.
Shelly Gable’s research highlights how constructive responses—like asking for details and expressing genuine pride—enhance friendships. Conversely, hiding your own successes to avoid seeming boastful can also harm relationships. Studies by Annabelle Roberts and colleagues found that secrecy about achievements feels paternalistic and erodes warmth.
How to Apply It:
- Celebrate your friends’ wins, big or small, with enthusiasm.
- Share your achievements openly but humbly to foster mutual joy.
5. Be the First to Apologize
Mistakes are inevitable, but failing to apologize can cause resentment to fester. Many hesitate to apologize due to fear of shame or doubts about its impact. However, research shows that sincere apologies foster relief and repair broken relationships.
A good apology should:
- Acknowledge the harm caused.
- Express genuine regret.
- Offer a path for repair.
- Outline steps to prevent recurrence.
How to Apply It:
- Don’t wait—apologize promptly when needed.
- Ensure your apology feels authentic by addressing the other person’s emotions.
Key Takeaway
Friendships are not perfect, but with mindfulness and intention, you can avoid common mistakes that damage connections. Be consistent, express your feelings, validate others, share in their joys, and own up to missteps. By practicing these behaviors, you’ll foster stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.
About the Author
David Robson is an award-winning science writer and the author of The Laws of Connection: 13 Science-Based Strategies to Transform Your Social Life. Follow him on Instagram and Threads @davidarobson.
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